Lawyer Jokes

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!


Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.


Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.


Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.


Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.


Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.


Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.



Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of $%!*?
A: The bucket.


Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.


Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.


Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his @$%.


Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary


Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.


Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Heck, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Good Lawyer Jokes

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in
the middle of the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot
be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which
side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea Clinton

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
It might be your bicycle.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking
down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.
Who gets it?* The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?"
asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer.
You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets taller.